So I tried to kill myself, there I said it. When you do something like that a lot of things go through your head like; when will the pain start, how bad is it going to be and how long will it take but you never think how painfully awkward it will be if you don’t die.
I wish I had thought of that.
Many people say suicide happens when people are really sad and that you will know when someone is going to do it because they will seem sad, or that is what I thought before it was me lying there. But the truth is, it’s not always the sad ones that do it, it’s the funny, loud type of person who you need to pay attention to. The people who try to be the class clown and make jokes about how they are losing their mind and how its okay that bad things happen to them because it’s just them over reacting, pay attention to the people who laugh too much and talk constantly because it tells you its an act. That is what it was like for me, even with a drip pumping life-saving fluid into my veins, I was still cracking jokes about suicide moments after the pain had subsided and ultimately this was my downfall because people thought I was doing it for attention because I hid my depression very well and I struggling to get the support I need. Suicide isn’t a joke but it was my way of coping with what I had done to everyone else.
I should probably explain what happened with my attempt before I carry on this article because otherwise you won’t understand, why I understand. It was a Tuesday night, around 6 and I can’t really say I felt sad or upset, I didn’t feel anything and this sense of nothing continued until around midnight, but at this time I was lying in A&E having just thrown up blood. That night I took the equivalent of about 56 tablets, I’m not proud of that but I am no longer ashamed because even though I didn’t die, I think somehow I proved to myself that at least I tried. Lets back track a little, just after I had taken the pills I decided it was a good idea to go to a Christmas social with my friends from the Church because as morbid as it sounds I wanted an amazing last memory where I felt loved, I had done my research and knew it would take hours before any major effects happened.
As I was walking to the social I started to feel a little funny but I carried on anyway, I got to the coffee shop and I was so excited to see everyone but somewhere inside me I felt guilty because they wanted me there and I was about to die. I walk in and I see they have saved me a seat near my two closest friends, I sat down and as I looked into my friend’s eyes, I realised I had made a terrible mistake. I was wanted. As soon as I sat down I felt this overwhelming sense of guilt, I knew what I had done and it almost felt like I was killing someone else, and so I said something, I spoke up or at least I tried to. Part of me was saying don’t do it because I wanted to die and she will think you are just doing it for attention, the other half screaming help me, so I just said I need your help and I don’t think I could say much else because before I knew it I had thrown up everywhere in the toilets. I was embarrassed. That’s the thing no one tells you about suicide attempts, you don’t feel any different, you just feel embarrassed.
I could no longer hide it. She knew, just by looking in my eyes she knew. So I was rushed to the hospital, long story short, I was passing out, hitting myself, running away and just being an all round dick basically. After a couple of hours they took me in, I threw up, hooked me up to a drip full of some sort of magical potion that would stop my organs failing (spoiler alert, they are doing okay), I threw up, they moved me to the emergency ward, I threw up and then just as I was getting sleepy, I threw up.
It was about 3am before I realised what had happened, I looked over and saw my friend who was sleeping in a very uncomfortable position, she had fought to stay with me, to make sure I felt safe, promising to not leave me and as I was sat there looking around, I suddenly became aware that I was no longer the only one in this situation, I hurt her that day and I don’t think that feeling will ever go away, and I finally cried, I cried for her.
In some ways I wish I had told them before, because you don’t realise you want to live until they tell you, you might not. But I couldn’t tell them, I didn’t want to invade their life, I
didn’t want to be a burden and I didn’t want to be the girl who said she’s scared she will do it and then doesn’t. I told someone too late but I’m glad I did.
The other thing that people never tell you about attempting suicide is nobody is going to pamper you, the doctors won’t say “it’s okay, just don’t do it again” and give you a slap on the wrist, they will treat you like you’re a burden and you will feel like it, you are surrounded by critically ill people who would do anything to be well and you are sat there, having done it to yourself and you will feel selfish. The people in hospital will ask you “why did you do it? did you really want to die?” and you have to give an answer even if you don’t know why because they must have a reason written down so that they have done their job.
I remember lying in A&E in so much pain and feeling so sick and just begging for them to give me pain relief but of course they couldn’t because well to put it frankly my liver was screwed as it was. My friend just hugged me tight and said it will be okay, and I felt loved and I felt selfish. That is another thing you don’t realise, you don’t just slip into a deep sleep and see a bright light, you go fighting. That’s the thing about death, there is no bright light, it’s just darkness.
The next day, I was alone for a few hours and it dawned on me, nothing has changed, I still feel exactly the same except now I am harboring guilt for those who know me because I didn’t end my pain, I just spread it out. People wanted to understand and I couldn’t explain it. But I didn’t need them to understand, I just needed them to love me and forgive me for putting them through this.
It’s funny really, you never realise how many jokes you make about wanting to die until you actually try to kill yourself, sitting in hospital the next day, both my friends and I started to notice it’s something that would usually never be picked up on but because of the situation, it is highlighted. Out of this adventure, the best recovery tool was laughter, making jokes about it helped me, and that isn’t to say it will help you but I loved laughing again.
The moment I realised I couldn’t do this again wasn’t when I was throwing up blood, it wasn’t when I was having to stay still with my arm straight for 21 hours, it was when I saw the look in my friend’s eyes of helplessness yet they were still full of love, she walked in and for once I don’t think she knew what to say and she just cuddled me because that our way and I had forgotten. In some ways I am happy that I went through it because sitting in that hospital bed surrounded by my friends wearing a sparkly Christmas hat that my friend gave me to make me feel special and pretty, I started to feel warm again on the inside, I started to simply feel again.
Before all this happened, people used to say to me people who kill themselves are selfish or attention seekers and even after I still hear it but it’s not selfish in the same way, sitting in that hospital bed, people told me to ‘be happy’ so I did what I thought would bring me happiness, that isn’t selfish that’s trying to end a bad situation. In times like this you don’t think about the effect it will have on other people because you are in pain. I never wanted to die, I wanted to end my suffering. As for the attention-seeking element, this is by far the most damaging stereotype because I desperately didn’t want to be the attention-seeker so I didn’t tell anyone until it was too late and even if it is for attention, at the end of the day, we all end up in the same situation, lying in a hospital bed having treatment to save our lives. A cry for help is not attention seeking, it’s asking for support in ending our suffering.
For my family and friends, especially you two, I am sorry I put you through it you didn’t deserve to take on my pain but believe me when I say there was nothing you could have done, I wanted to die and I wouldn’t have told you that so don’t feel like you were unapproachable or untrustworthy, these are my demons not yours. You did your best and ultimately I am here because of you. If you are a parent or friend of someone who has attempted suicide, the best thing you can do it love them, the most amazing thing to come out of this experience is how much love I had but I couldn’t see, show them your love.
There is nothing in this world you cannot overcome, suicide is never the answer, it doesn’t take away today’s struggles, it just eliminates the chances of tomorrow’s happiness.
To the friend who stayed with me, sorry you had to see me like that but Thank you for saving me ❤