Dear Teenage Me

Dear Me,

This is my letter to you, I think I am supposed to do this for the future but now that I am nearly no longer a teenager, I need to get some things of my chest.

I’m sorry I put you through hell, none of it was your fault

Nothing you went through was your fault, I know it felt like it but there was nothing you could have done and you can’t blame yourself for someone else’s mistakes. It wasn’t fair what happened but it gets easier I promise.

I’m sorry I abused you and didn’t give you what you needed

I remember not eating for weeks and putting so much pressure and pain on myself, you didn’t deserve the cuts, the blood won’t help you see any clearer and no matter how much weight you lose, it won’t fix the problem. I am sorry that I still haven’t got it all figured out but I will do it, I will do it for you

It isn’t your fault that friend’s don’t understand you

They were wrong, you weren’t weird or wrong, you didn’t deserve to come home crying, you didn’t deserve the torment and you didn’t deserve the judgment. It was them, it was always them with the problem. No matter how hard you try, you won’t fit in but it’s okay, one day you will find people just like you, just not yet.

I’m sorry I didn’t fight hard enough for you

I am sorry I let you suffer, I am sorry I let them treat you like it. I am sorry I didn’t stick up for you, it’s only now I realise, they were never right.

You are ill

You can’t hide it forever, it catches up with you in the end. You have so much going on in your head, let people in they can help you, you don’t have to suffer. I wish you could see it at this age but I know you can’t. I’m sorry I never let anyone in and got you the help you so much deserved. I’m sorry I will eventually nearly kill you.

I’m sorry I constantly told you to change

You didn’t need to, people were threatened by you, maybe you were too much for people but it’s not your fault they couldn’t handle your energy. You never needed to change to fit in, you were born to stand out.

I’m sorry no one helped you

I know you asked for help in your own way, I’m sorry they didn’t take you seriously, I’m sorry the teachers were horrible and blamed you, I’m sorry I let you suffer. It will get better.  

You are so strong

I never gave you the credit you deserved, looking back at everything you went through, you are so strong. I wish you could see it…

I’m sorry I didn’t see what you had to offer

I never appreciated all that you were, you tried so hard but it was never good enough for you, I am here to tell you, you were and always will be enough! Eventually you will start to see you had a lot more to offer than just your body.

You are so intelligent 

It was never okay for the teachers to treat you like you are stupid. You weren’t stupid, you just didn’t believe in yourself enough, it comes together in the end. It’s not easy to swim against the tide but somehow you do it and I promise you, I’ll make you proud.  

I’m sorry I blamed you

This is the hardest one for me, I’m sorry I spent years blaming you for letting it happen, I promise you there was nothing you could have done. You did nothing wrong. No matter what anyone says, they were wrong, you never asked for it. You didn’t deserve the years of pain after and you tried to fight and that’s enough.

You deserve love

Eventually you will feel love and be loved and you will wonder why he likes you. You will question why you hated yourself for so long and then you will lose love and it will show you, you didn’t need love, you deserved it.

You are so brave

I know it doesn’t feel like it as you are sitting there feeling sick and blaming yourself but you are so brave for going back. Every single time, you got back up, you went back and you faced them. You never ran away or gave up when you had every reason to. You are one of the bravest people I know.

The next few years are going to be tough and you will want to give up and you will a couple of times, you will go to hell and back but you’ll make it.

But most of all, 

I’m sorry I never appreciated just how talented you were

You achieved so much at such a young age, no matter how hard life hit you, somehow you came back and fought harder. You deserved the recognition you got. You had unconventional talents that no one could see or appreciate at such a young age but I promise your talents are seeing good where others see bad. You try so hard to make people happy and you genuinely care and that isn’t something you can learn, it’s a gift.

I’m proud to say you are my past and you are my hero

Even though I am older and wiser now, you are my hero because you made it!

I love you but I’m ready to move on.

Libs

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