A lot of people say I am weird or strange or they just don’t understand me but they cannot describe why. I do things that other people just don’t do and in recent years it has come to my attention that all of these things boil down to my very anxious and self-conscious personality. I am trying my best to sort these things out (well most of them) but for now here is 25 strange things anxiety makes me do.
1. Not answer my phone
So unless I know that I 100% know exactly how the conversation is going to go (which is very rarely) I will not answer the phone, not to my sisters, not to my close friends, not to anyone, especially not to a number I don’t know. I have no idea why I guess it’s probably because I don’t want to say the wrong thing and it get super awkward or I don’t want to talk to someone I do not know because it’s scary. Either way, don’t bother calling, I won’t answer, text me and tell me what you want to talk about, I may just call you!
2. Bite the skin around my nails and lips
Yes it is gross but is it therapeutic? you bet. I don’t know why, I’ve always done it. However because of this I have bleeding, sore and painful fingers or cuts on my mouth, fairly frequently and it’s not fun. However much I would like picture perfect nails, I don’t think I am in any hurry to stop.
3. I get too attached to people
I was born this way, certain people I meet I just get instantly attached to and I have no idea why. Is it a problem? to an extent yes because sometimes it pushes people away because they don’t understand, I am not a stalker, I just feel really safe around you. That’s something I never really feel, safe, therefore I look for safety in other people and yes it is kind of really strange but it actually means I trust you, which is rare.
4. Constantly ask people if they are still my friend
My mind tells me, “they don’t even like you anymore”, which if you can imagine is not fun and so to try and make myself feel better, I ask you “hey, are we still friends?” or “hey, have I upset you?” purely to satisfy my own sense of self, which afterwards I realise is just super annoying for the other person, I think “wow that was annoying, I hope they still like me” and the cycle starts again!
5. Not use the toilet, get a drink or eat at other people’s houses
This is a big one, which on many occasions is just plain annoying! So I can be anywhere, my sister’s, my mum’s and even my best friend’s house and still I cannot do normal everyday things. I can’t pee in case people think I am peeing too much (like that even matters and they almost certainly do not care that much about my bladder’s schedule, but try telling that to my brain). I can’t get a drink, not even of water, in case it comes across as rude because this is someone else’s tap (crazy I know), I can just about mutter a “yes please” if they ask if I want a drink (which shortly after will make my brain go crazy thinking that’s rude and I should make it myself). Eating at other people’s or even in front of them also causes problems because what if i’m eating to fast, what if i’m eating too slow, what if I am making strange noises or swallowing funny? (honestly when I think rationally, why would they care? they are eating their food). As you can imagine, this causes me a lot of hunger pains, dehydration and kidney problems but whatever at least i’m not being judged right?
6. I don’t go to places unless there is someone I 100% trust with me
Even if I have been to this place a million times, if I don’t go with a person on my trust list then I cannot go, it will freak me out and I will think I have no one to talk to (even though I know I will have, the possibility that I won’t is just too crippling). I know, I know, i’m working on it!
7. Collect cuddly animals
This is mainly just strange, I have A LOT of cuddly animals, I don’t even know why, they are just soothing to me. I never had them as a child all that much but as I have got older, I can attach them to certain situations or people that are good memories. They have to be certain fabrics, textures and scents (if any scent at all) but if I fall in love with it then believe me it comes everywhere with me!
It also kind of makes me revert back to a child and people are nicer to the innocent ones!
8. Not really buy things on friendly shopping trips
I feel like this is quite common, I get crazy excited when I get invited on shopping trips with my friends but I never buy anything, they always ask me if I want to go anywhere but I will always say no (even when I have a whole list of places I need to go). I do this because what if I can’t find something I want in a quick enough time frame, I don’t want to be annoying or a time waster, I don’t want people to think “what is taking her so long?” so I just briefly look and try and help the others look for their stuff.
9. Dislike being touched yet cuddle those I trust a lot
This is also a strange one because I really don’t like being touched or kissed or hugged by anyone except those I have let in and learnt to trust, and if you are on that list, I am basically a koala. Don’t get me wrong I love cuddling because it makes me feel loved but its just awkward if I don’t trust you and unfortunately that’s most people. This can get difficult because in situations like saying hello and goodbye to relatives and family friends, you kind of have to hug them but I really don’t want to! on the other end of the spectrum, if I trust you and there is an opportunity for a cuddle, you are being cuddled and probably fallen asleep on because I feel safe! If you are on my cuddle list you will know who you are, I will always ask but try and take it as a compliment and less of a chore ha!
10. Talk a lot and very quickly or I am silent for hours
I talk A LOT if I am comfortable or I am silent if I don’t know what to say! So if I like you, I probably won’t stop talking, I will try and tell you all the things that happened in my day (even though you really don’t care), I will ask you random questions and if I have a question I am worried about asking, likelihood is I will cushion it with a lot of other words that really don’t make sense and I will say if very fast. On the flip side, if I am feeling like I don’t really fit in then I will be silent and I don’t mean quiet, I mean, you will not know I am there at all, which is strange all by itself really!
11. Say strange things
“The skirt you were wearing the other day looked really pretty” or “You are so amazing”, I have said this so so many times to my friends and believe me I know it sounds weird because no I am not attracted to you, actually I just wanted to make you feel better and tell you what I thought, but you did look really pretty and even though you weren’t upset in the first place, it made you smile and I like making you smile (I am not a creep, okay? ha!) It is also because I see the little details that other people don’t and so it comes across strange but I like giving compliments, I am good at it! So apparently you are supposed to not say the first thing that comes to your head, who knew?
12. Change moods very quickly
Yeah I can go from laughing to crying in less than a second, because most of my emotions are based on other peoples opinions! Example, if I am having fun with my friends and everyone is making jokes, I am laughing, I make a joke and no one laughs, I will cry, right there and then (on the inside obviously) and think I am the worst person on this earth because they didn’t find my joke funny! Difficult right? Another time this is prominent is slight changes in peoples tones, I will be super excited to see someone and if they say hello in a different way, I will get upset and blame myself! However similarly, if I am having a really bad day and I see someone I like, I will laugh and joke, I guess this is kind of normal though, right?
13. I do not trust people
I never have, since the day I was born I screamed and didn’t let anyone hold me, no one! This is a problem when going to the doctors, and especially with psychiatrists or counselors becasue I can’t open up. As I have gotten older, I have learnt to trust a few people and the ones I do, know all about me, my struggles, my strengths and I am glad I have those people but I still don’t trust the majority so it’s hard when they are not around. I must say it has its perks though, you can’t have your heart broken if you pretend you don’t have one.
14. Crack a lot of jokes
I honestly live my life through jokes, even if I am going through something really bad, I will make a joke about it to make myself feel less sad, it doesn’t really work but it helps me to avoid my problems so. However my jokes are usually to hide my pain and only a select few notice this, the other reason I make so many jokes is because if I can make people laugh then at least they know I exist (morbid, I know but it’s true), it’s always been my way of making friends.
15. Change my appearance a lot
One week to the next, I am different, I will fake tan, dye my hair, try different make up, try different clothes, even lose weight and to be honest I think it’s because I feel kind of invisible but whenever I do something it seems to be wrong so I just keep trying, I haven’t found it yet, for example, I fake tan hoping that someone will say it suits me (because that is what I do for them) or I look pretty but they don’t they just joke about me being orange. I never wear the same thing twice in case people think it’s all I ever wear. I’ll keep trying until I find it.
16. Only eat certain foods
My diet is about five foods, I don’t change it up, I rarely try new foods because I don’t see the point! What if I don’t like it? What if the person who gave it to me gets offended if I don’t like it? they are my safe foods and I like them so why change it!
17. Try and fix your problems
I do this a lot, if I care about you and I see you are struggling I will always try and help, regardless of if you need it. If you are stressed, you are probably going to get a pamper pack, if you are feeling like things are falling apart, I will tell you all the things you have going for you and tell you, you’re amazing. Liklihood is I can’t fix your problems but don’t think I won’t try! I think this isn’t such a bad trait but people always think I am weird because I do it!
18. Constantly apologise
24/7, I will apolgise for speaking too much, breathing too much, I think I have apologised for being alive before! I can’t help it, I just always feel like I am annoying people or doing something wrong! I know its a problem but I think at least if I have apologised I tried to fix the situation (which to be fair is usually created from my mind). Turns out aplogising constantly is just as annoying!
19. I sleep with the windows shut
This probably doesn’t sound strange but the reason behind it might me! No its not because of the temperature of my bedroom, its what if someone comes in through the window at night? I cannot be responsible for dying because someone came in, I left the window open therefore I just avoid the whole situation and sleep with the windows shut regardless of the ridiculously hot uni rooms.
20. Convincing myself people must hate me
If someone’s tone changes in their voice, that’s it they hate me! This ties in with the asking if we are friends issue because I don’t have the eye to see when people hate me so I just assume any change in personality is because of me and they hate me (narcissistic much)! This is a difficult one because they are going to say they don’t regardless so I will never know if they or not! Kinda heartbreaking!
21. Never admit I am upset
Even if I am dying on the inside, I probably won’t admit the true extent of how upset I am. Sometimes I will talk to people I trust about me being upset but I talk about it in the past tense. The funny thing about this is, I am always wishing someone will ask me if I am okay, knowing i’ll say no but hoping they will notice the truth!
22. Have a strict routine
I need to know what is going on in my days or I will go crazy! If you say we are meeting up on Saturday, what time, I need to make sure I am ready and not late! If you say you might come tomorrow, I will keep asking becasue I want to know my routine! Now this is strange but kind of understandable you know?
23. I only have a few close friends
This probably comes from the trust issues but I have 4/5 close friends and I can only really tell a few of them what is really happening in my head! I would say this is my choice but to be honest I don’t mean to push people away, I just don’t trust them. The friends I do have I adore and want to always do everything with so when they are busy it is kind of hard! But i’ll get there in the end.
24. Ask other people to make my decisions
I can’t make my own decisions so what is the point in trying? In any given situation if there is a decision to make, I am almost certainly going to ask someone I trust to make it for me. Growing up it was my mum and nowadays it tends to be one of my closest friends! Seriously like down to whether to go somewhere or not!
25. Love too much and too hard
This is both the best thing and the worst! This is a problem because I know, they will never love me like I love them, I will always get more attached to others than they will to me and I will always show more love than they do but it is also the best because I make people happy when I say lovely things to them and even though I know they don’t feel as strongly about me, just making them happy makes me happy! Their feelings will always matter more than mine and I know I am a good friend because I adore people ❤
That was 25 strange things my anxious mind makes me do!!